This photo was taken in July 2012 during a tremendous and fast moving thunderstorm that raced through the Gorge in the evening. Lightning was flashing all around but most of it inside the clouds, like this one towards Mount Hood. Taken from White Salmon, WA
This is a blog post mostly for my own processing.... others are welcome to read, but certainly do not feel obligated!
Novembers have been a challenge for me for years now, and just today I realized why I have been is a dark fuzzy cloud of something like depression this last couple weeks. Part of it of course is the change in weather... and usually I overcome that by getting out in the weather and taking photos anyway. This year it snuck up on me, and without my Rio here to come wag her tail and stare at me intently I simply did not go out and about much... therefore the fog in my brain grew and grew, until last night I froze up sitting in my truck in a parking lot unable to get out and walk into the busy store while the rain flowed down the windshield. I posted on my facebook and a newer friend saw, and helped talk me through the moment until I was able to get out of the truck finally and go in the store. Of course, then on the way IN the store, going through an EMPTY part of the Parking Lot a car came speeding down thru the dark and slammed to a halt a foot away from me! Ok, not my night... but it is always my belief that we make of things what we will, if we look for the negative that is what comes our way; if we search out the positive then we find it in spades. I opened my frightened eyes and walked on into that well lit store, searching for smiles and positive moments. I found some elderly men being greeters at the door, and I thanked them kindly and they gave me big smiles.
I am still striving to get through the cotton fluff that has me wrapped up, and still did not make it outside today... and yet, I found some laughter with friends online, and some old friends from church came by and gave sis and i hugs and a prayer and brought some sunshine into the house. One day at a time.
Today I also reached out to try and encourage others or make them laugh, and that helped me as well. Maybe tomorrow I will get out of the house and go DO something! Rain or no rain! That is, if I have enough Gas money... hmmm. part of the problem I suppose, feeding back into not going anywhere.
Another part of the equation is needing to be here more for my Sissy Nora, since she fell a couple weeks ago. I don't actually have to be here all the time with her, but I think I was so worried I did not want to go far. She is getting a wee bit stronger, actually took 5 or 6 steps last night and got herself into bed with little bit of help. I am so glad I can be here and help her, and she also helps me with a place to live.. I would be homeless right now if not for her with so little income. Unfortunately being here too much with the TV on full time feeds into the glazed over feeling... and I start stagnating.
so no worries, just talking myself through a strange time of year. Looking back through what I have written I see I skipped past the heaviest issue of November for me. Both of my parents passed away this month in past years, 7 years apart. My husband David Reel who I loved so dearly passed away holding my hand on January 16th, 1996 after a long illness, and my father Claude Elias Black left us with a quick heart attack while I did CPR on Thanksgiving Day 1996. Several other friends and family passed away that same year, such as my adopted nephew Curtis Clark, and my uncle Vernon Black (prior to my Dad). I spent some quality time with a sweet older lady I helped design a small home for in Port Townsend named Ruth Godsey just before she passed, and another friend Michael as he passed away of cancer. There were others that year also.... and then 7 years later I held Mom Nina Black's hand along with my brother Boyce and my daughter and many of his children and grandchildren who all sang to Mom as she passed on November 7, 2003.. That is the point all the grief finally knocked me flat for a time as I experienced Anxiety attacks and other such difficult things.
Some months after Mom's passing, I was on my way to work one early morning in Spring, barely aware of my surroundings. When suddenly I heard her voice clear as day from the seat next to me in the truck where she used to ride on our singing drives through the mountains. "Oh LOOK at the pretty sunrise" she said clearly... my head jerked up, and the sky was full of color and one of the prettiest sunrises I had ever seen! I burst into tears, said thank you... and after that found myself really noticing the beauty in everything around me. It was a couple more years before I got a little camera, while I was working at Cherry Street Manor as a caregiver in the adult foster care home. I found my way out to Bird Creek Meadows on Mount Adams, for the first time since i was in my early 20's, and took many photos that i brought back to share with the elders I was taking care of. Many of them had memories of places like that and I found it brightened their day also. That led into taking more and more photos, and discovering Flickr in 2007 where I could post photos and learn from others around the world.
This remembering is a good reminder now for me, as it explains and reminds me where my gift of Photography came from, and how it is my heartfelt wish to share the photos with others to help them see the beauty in the world around them. And here I come back to the early thought that when you focus on the positive in this world, it will surround you. I have been blessed to be surrounded by people in life who were indeed positive, creative, and loving!
